Unsolicited Advice - seriously

Almost twenty months of motherhood, about nine months of pretty happy pregnancy before that, and a keen, judgmental eye make me feel qualified to call myself a successful mother and give you the following unsolicited but well-though and well-intended advice.

Please note, much of the more philosophical advisings are based on things I've either read, seen in action myself, or heard through friends. Please don't think I have a horrible relationship with my own in-laws, spouse, friends, family or conscience and am using this to snarkily revenge past misdeeds. I just like to over-analyze, and judge. A lot of outlandish things have been said while I was within earshot, whether they were intended for me or not; we've also witnessed some ridiculous and beautiful things first hand. I think we've learned almost as much from the mistakes - our own, and of others - as from the positive examples. Just as long as we're learning, I suppose!

1. Don't buy pacifiers at garage sales. Har har har... just kidding... that was just a warm up.

Real number 1: READ. Read books about kids and babies, not just your general "What to Expect" sort of things, but specifics: No-Cry Sleep Solutions, ANYTHING by The Baby Whisperer, Happiest Toddler on the Block. Philosophies you think are total crap can be very insightful and interesting, even if just for a good laugh and conversations at your mom's group.
But in all seriousness, we owe our lives and our sanity to The Baby Whisperer, God rest her poor soul... and watch out, I just found The Baby Whisperer for Toddlers!

I say this because you can try doing things by trial and error, but deciding what sort of parenting stance you want to take ahead of time will save you lots of sleepless nights and potential arguments with your spouse, and anyone else involved in the raising of your child.

Which leads me to...

2. You and your spouse are the primary caregivers to your children. Not your parents, not nannies, not aunts and uncles, not your sister, brother, best friend, whatever. It is nice, customary, and extremely helpful to have assistance during the initial period after delivery, but keep in mind that whenever everyone leaves, YOU and YOU ALONE have to know how to feed, bathe, put to sleep, comfort, and generally keep this child breathing.

With this in mind, my advice: have your helpers help you with everything, once you're mobile, but the baby. Let them get in their obligatory grandmother/aunt/brother/whatever time, but when it comes to putting the child down to sleep and all, you do it. Don't get stuck in the rut where your mother-in-law does you the favor of putting the child to bed; once her bags are packed and she's gone, the child still wants that amazing, now totally routine bedtime that you are completely unaware of!

Truuuuuust me. Be your child's parent. It does not take a village. It takes you.

3. Sort of an addendum to that. Older folks will tell you all sorts of rubbish, with varying levels of cynicism, condescension, and tact. "Honey, we hold a baby like this."
"Why is he so LITTLE?"
"You can't give them a bath at night, they'll catch cold."
Carry on with what you firmly believe. It is your kid. It is their routine, which in turn leads to a great deal of their sense of stability and happiness, which in turns results in your sanity. Don't compromise to make anyone else happy where your kid is concerned.

4. Other than what you receive as gifts, buy baby towels at second hand shops and mom-to-mom sales. They're the easiest of all baby things to wash and bleach, and you can get a week's worth for what one new towel would cost you.

5. In fact, get ALL SORTS of stuff at second hand shops and mom-to-mom sales. Toys especially - they are gently used for the most part (of course it's your job to wipe them down!) and much, much cheaper than retail. Google recall notices on things you buy that could be dangerous - riding toys, things with strings or little pieces, etc.

6. I HIGHLY SUGGEST THIS STROLLER! Especially if you have a kid that will be anywhere between ages 0 and 7 months sometime during winter. Trust me on this - get this relatively cheap-o stroller. It is VERY functional (I walked a 5K with mine!), has great storage and cup holders (which are ESSENTIAL for mother sanity on those all important trips out to, say, Target... where you will wander the aisles with a sleeping child, sipping a snack bar cappuccino as if you haven't left the house in weeks... which will, in all honestly, very probably be the case. Having twins? Get this one: Double Snap N Go . Again, I say TRUST ME. Seriously. You will be happy you did.

7. That being said, once your kid starts to get a little big to be lugging complete with infant seat out of the automobile, spring for your SECOND stroller... something fun and fancy like this. http://www.amazon.com/Baby-Jogger-Single-Stroller-Black/dp/B002MZZJVQ/ref=sr_1_20?ie=UTF8&s=sporting-goods&qid=1270242715&sr=1-20 I say "SECOND" because often by this time, people have compiled a stroller collection out of desperation to meet every varying situational need. That's why you should get the SnugRide, dude!

8. Don't start solid foods until at least 6 months unless your pediatrician suggests it. They'll be eating solid foods the rest of their life. Enjoy breastfeeding or bottles for a little while longer.

9. Don't scorn using a pacifier. Babies need to suckle their first 3 months of life.

9.5 If you use a paci, get Avent pacifiers because (IMHO) they look the least dumb of all pacifiers! :-)

10. Buy your kid lots of white clothes to wear before they start eating solid foods. They look really cute in white, and the get white really messy after they start eating fruits and veggies. (Buy OxyClean once they start eating solids!)

11. Don't be afraid to take your kid on walks, out in nature, at any age, and in any season - dressed appropriately of course.

12. Get your kid into Mommy & Me swimming lessons sometime before they turn 1. They will love the water... and you don't need to know how to swim to take the lessons.

13. Of all the useless baby equipment, I personally think SWING tops the list. If your kid learns to fall asleep using any "altered reality" - a swing, a vibrating seat, being rocked constantly - they will always need that to sleep. Don't set yourself up for failure.

14. Buy a sound machine. Nice ambient noise (waves, rain, thunderstorms, frogs, whatever) will drown out any junk happening during nap time and hopefully help keep you from having a light sleeper.

15. Keep it DARK in their bedroom.

16. If you're considering co-sleeping... please, please, PLEASE reconsider. Sure, it's easier at the time... but what a nightmare at 1, 2, or 3 years when you finally want to sleep alone. I've honestly never heard any good coming from cosleeping, beyond the consolation prizes of pleasant snuggling and easy nursing, which are just as easy to achieve with the kid being in your room in a co-sleeper or crib. You kid will sleep deeper, you will sleep easier, and you and your partner might just be able to have sex again sometime before their 4th birthday.

17. If you have some sort of philosophy that says you'll only buy your child non-battery operated wooden toys that aren't made in China, be prepared to give a little. :-) (this was so me)

18. Bumpo seats: I have a vague notion that these might make kids slower to reach the milestone of sitting up on their own. They are great, sure... they let kids from about 3 months onward be able to sit up whether they're able to on their own or not, but I think the support system doesn't let their muscles develop like they should. That being said, lots of parents still love them. I had one gifted to me after Elena could already sit up unassisted, and it was still pretty handy.

19. Make a registry. For the love of God, make a registry.

20. Play music for your kid! Duh. Any any kind - Elena likes Dream Theater and Muse just as much as Bach and Mozart.

21. If you have any intention of pumping breastmilk for any amount of time, or having other children in the future, go ahead and spend some money to get yourself a good pump. Just beware all the extras that they try to get you to buy. Two bottles, some plastic bags for freezing milk, and maybe one set of 5 of the sanitizing steam bags will do ya just fine. Squeeze Lanolin onto the breast shields and you'll get better suction and thus a better yield.


22. Aveeno products kick ass. I especially like the Lavender Baby Wash/Shampoo, but it made Elena break out to use it on her body, so we just wash her hair with it. And the bottle lasted almost 13 months, with a bath almost every single day!


23. Don't skimp on the Infant Seat... the SnugRide fits for longer - until 30 or 32 lbs, I believe, depending on their height. It costs a little more than other seats, but also has a better safety rating. There are much better seats that cost more (Chicco, Britax) but if you're on a budget these are darn good. Plus it fits in the snazzy SnugRide stroller frame.

24. BABY EINSTEIN. I have a beef with Baby Einstein. Their books are horrible. The rhyme schemes are stupid and illogical, and the pictures are colorful but cartoonish. Babies under a year old are supposed to look at pictures of real things - specifically photographic images of real things. The Baby Einstein videos are like baby crack. From the few I've seen, specifically geared for babies, they just show babies playing with cool toys. Why not let you baby play with cool toys instead, rather than lure them into a hypnotic trance watching other kids? Although if you've got a jumpy kid, maybe that trance would be welcomed. Your choice :-)

But - some Baby Einstein toys are pretty cool. It's nice that their toys play lots of classical music.

An aside: in 2009 Baby Einstein offered a refund on all their DVDs, saying you could receive a check for $15.99 if you returned any dvd purchased between 2004 and then (or something like that, timewise). This was because they were labeled as "educational" and then found to be absolutely education neutral.

25. That being said, I do LOVE the Baby Signing Time series. We did not let Elena watch TV - as in, sometimes we had it on while she was around, but we did not plop her down in front of SpongeBob at age 4 months or anything. Around 5 or 6 months, we started sitting with her to watch these dvds, about 30 minutes long each, and she was thrilled. Not sure if she was excited by the idea of having her OWN show to watch, or by seeing other babies and children, or the music, or a combination of those, but she LOVES it today and asks for it by signing "baby" while standing by the TV. She has learned about 25 signs from the show, and knows the songs. I really think these are fabulous videos! But...

26. The American Academy of Pediatrics advises parents not to allow any television viewing for children ages 2 and younger—regardless of content. To quote their policy statement, "Although certain television programs may be promoted to this age group, research on early brain development shows that babies and toddlers have a critical need for direct interactions with parents and other significant caregivers for healthy brain growth and the development of appropriate social, emotional and cognitive skills."

It was put to me this way by my pediatrician: "you kid will get more out of watching you fold laundry than watching any sort of TV." Sigh. (plus, they'll want to help you fold the laundry - which is a total win-win situation!)

It absolutely breaks my heart when I read in the July 2008 babies forum that CrzyBtch4's kid can say "dada, mama, and bob-bob, that means spongebob, her favorite show, lol isnt that the cutest?" No, it's not cute. You're a retard.

27. Get a Johny Jump-up or doorway jumper! They're super for being able to take a shower without leaving your child terribly neglected... and it will strengthen their legs, neck and core, and help their balance too! I am seriously surprised that Elena never smushed her hand between the edge of the jumper seat and the door, but it just never happened. Coincidence? Clever design? I don't know if that was a selling point or not, as we received ours 2nd hand, sans-instructions. So my advice: don't fret about it and enjoy your shower.

28. Don't worry too much about buying littler babies (up to 5-6 months) jackets and coats. They shouldn't wear anything too puffy in the car seat, because it messes with the design and safety features of the restraints. I found this thing to be an absolute "Godsend" [said in operatic voice... and cue Hallelujah Chorus by Handel]. Keeps baby warm but not sweaty, and most of all, SAFE!

29. Supposedly BeechNut brand baby foods are really good - this is what the Sneaky Chef lady said in her books. All natural, very few additives, mostly organic? I dunno, they don't advertise any of this very well, so it was news to me. I never got them because they were cheapest, so I figured they were worst. Whoopsie?!?


30. Don't be embarrassed if you end up taking your kid to the hospital at 3am... for gas :-)

31. T.J. Maxx has incredibly cute and incredibly cheap baby clothes. And some random toys and stuff too. What a treat to go in there and hit the clearance rack. Two dollar onesies with witty sayings that you don't normally see on the same-ol', Carters-Meijer-Walmart-Macys-Old Navy circuit? Game on!

32. Once your kid starts eating solid food and has enough teeth, let them try, and subsequently EAT, everything. I remember watching in wide-eyed amazement as my friend's 9 month old ate food court fried rice and General Tso's chicken during a mall playdate. Holy moly! Now that same child, just short of two years, is eating sushi on picnics and olives with tuna (woah) at home. There's no barrier to what a kid can eat*, as long as they can chew it and it doesn't make them explode in allergies!!!

*beyond the age restrictions on eggs, peanuts, nuts, shellfish, etc... follow your Pedi's suggestions!

33. Did I say this already? Please please please... Have a ROUTINE... but not a schedule. Be a little flexible, and your kid will (hopefully) be a little flexible too. And that is a GODSEND.

34. Sorry charlie... shaving your baby's head at any point during their early years does NOT make their hair come in "nicer" or "thicker" or anything... it just comes in all at the same length, because - watch out, I'm gonna get scientific here: it's starting all at the same time. Woah, amazing right? I have an alternate theory that the regrowth after a shave might be coarser, but that's as equally based upon old wives tales as the "shaving makes it nicer" theory... with that particular old wife being my mother, who was constantly discouraging us from shaving our thighs (and thus arms) because the hair would grow back "darker and thicker, and you don't want that now do you?" :-)

35. Those nice, educational trips you take to the farm or petting zoo when your kid is 9 months old? Go back the following year and you'll be amazed at how willing they are to stand at a fence and watch a cow chew grass for hours in the hot, hot sun. (I learned this first hand on Friday! What a ton of fun, seeing baby sheep and a big cow, and a friendly barn cat... somebody was meowing and baaaaa-ing the whole way home)

36. Let me paraphrase these books for you: Trees Make the Best Mobiles and Last Child in the Woods
LIVE NEAR NATURE IF YOU CAN!!! Let you kid play outside. Turn off the TV. Work on under-stimulating in our over-stimulating world. The crack in your ceiling and the tree rustling outside are as fascinating to your newborn as the expensive mobile you registered for... plus they're free, not made in China (no offense to China), and will allow people to buy you a lot more diapers :-)

37. More to come, as I learn, judge, and read more!